Perspective

Since Jason is insistent that I can't accurately call this a "blog" with only two posts I guess I'll ramble about a few things that have been hopping around my head for the past couple of months - namely relationships and the convoluted dynamics of it all. 

I've been single for coming up on a year now after an almost seamless 7.5 years of relationships.  First of all I'd like to put up a big middle finger to all the people who said I NEEDED to be in a relationship - just because I happened to come across a bunch of people in a row who I enjoyed spending time around and shared an attraction for and chemistry with does not mean I need to be with someone.  For the statisticians and scientists out there - correlation does not imply causation.

Don't get me wrong I love relationships.  I love the idea of sharing your life with someone else - celebrating their successes, feeling the blow from their defeats, supporting them when they stumble and knowing that they'll be there to help pick you up when you fall.  I love the way that being so closely intimate with someone teaches you all the intangible things about yourself you never realized.  I love being able to have conversations with a series of looks and facial nuances, and not utter a single sound.  I love the little habits that form just because they reinforce the bond you have - a special hug or kiss, knowing that persons "buttons", etc.  And most of all I love the comfort of it all - knowing that this person has seen you at your worst, knows things about you you want to hide from the world, and still wants to stand by you.

In the end being in a healthy relationship is one of the most fulfilling things I've experienced in my life, but being out of one for a while has allowed me to gain some much needed perspective on things. 

A) People (and I'm extremely guilty of this too) get wrapped up in an idea of what they think a person is - and when we find things that don't line up with that we tend to freak the fuck out.  We doubt if they are the person we thought they were.  We try to change them - sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes not so much.  For me personally this issue is a tough work around - I have a very distinct idea of what I want/expect out of my significant other, and part of the problem I've had in the past is I've gone into relationships KNOWING some of those fundamental aspects I want in a relationship were missing.  Why?  Partially because I like to believe that those things come with time together, but also because I like to take risks.  And in the words of Drake, because I get lonely too.  However in EVERY single one of those relationships, those fundamental things came back to bite me in the ass, face, left nipple, etc.  Lesson Learned (This paragraph is full of musical references haha - Wattup Alicia!):  Red flags are red flags for a reason.

B) Human beings want to be swept away in things.  I highly doubt anyone can say that they DON'T want to fall head over heels in love.  And anyone who does I believe is either lacking a soul, or is confusing "not wanting" with "scared to".  They see how bad relationships have affected their friends, they have emotional scars from previous relationships, they've never touched the opposite sex in their life and just think its easier not to deal with it.  The reason doesn't matter.  I still believe any of these people, if they met the right person, would toss those sentiments out the window and jump in head first - which, while very romantic and idealistic, is also very dangerous.

There is a lot to be said about taking things slow - I've avoided starting several potential relationships in the past 9 months or so only because I've taken this approach.  And while this has been...trying at times (I'm a very physical person - cuddling, sex, kisses, backrubs, etc) - in the end it's allowed me to focus on getting to know the character/personality of the person with greater clarity.  And clarity in turn led to seeing more red flags which led to being just friends.  This being said - most of my guy friends give fuck awful terrible advice.  Thank god I think for myself.

C) Looking vs. Finding.  Seems simple right?  In one case you stumble across something and go "Hey sweet!", and in the other you walk up and down every aisle of the store looking for that one thing you need. Not so much.  A lot of people I know go out LOOKING for relationships (as have I in the past).  DANGEROUS - we start to justify things that should be making you think about why dating them is a bad idea, we ignore red flags, we compromise our standards.  Then there's the worse scenario - you find someone and fall HARD, but shortly after you start to see those same little warning signs, but hey it started out awesome right so it must just be a rough spot.  Until that rough spot becomes a big gapping sore in your relationship and totally tarnishes everything good you had going.  For a solution to this problem please see item B above.

I've been fairly adamant with myself (and others pushing me to date "that girl I hang out with" or "that girl I dance with") about finding something that is purely organic.  I want something that snuck up on me, that grows and has a stronger foundation.  I want something that's natural and easy and works.  I know - who doesn't right?  But keeping this mentality in mind has improved my life immensely.  I over analyze less, I live in the moment more, and most importantly I'm not out "looking" - which is just a guaranteed way to disappoint and depress yourself.

D) The good ones are taken.  A vast majority of the interesting women I've met in the past 9 months are already in relationships.  No surprise there.  This paragraph is more advice for anyone in a relationship with a down ass chick - don't sweat the small shit.  When you're around a person for years and you're that close, arguments are bound to happen.  I don't know of any married couple that doesn't have a few crazy spat stories.  But remember that those small little things should pale in comparison to when you think of all the positive stuff.  And if you are one of those douches who treats your girl like shit and cheats on them and whatever, just know that there are a whole lot of guys out there like me who aren't about to wreck your home, but you bet your ass we'll sweep up your girl and treat her better if you fuck up, cause she deserves it. 

E) The blame game - I've gotten much better at not blaming myself or feeling guilty about things that have nothing to do with me.  I get jealous much less often, because hey - if she cheats or whatever, she's the slut and I'm still the innocent boyfriend.  And girls, I'll be the first to admit that guys are dbags and dogs.  If you're man fucks you over, just know that that's on him, and in no way reflects on you.  And for the people reading who know I've cheated before - yes I did.  And I hated myself for a long time because of it. 

But even outside of cheating and jealousy - the whole pointing fingers in a relationship thing just doesn't work.  You're supposed to be on the same side.  Communicate.  Remember that you're supposed to be there for each other, and if you aren't then maybe its time to...

F) Move on and cut your losses.  When I was a young little fledgling in college back in 02-03 (yes I'm that old - leave me alone) one of my grad student friends told me "Love isn't enough to make a relationship work - it takes love and an infinite amount of circumstantial instances to fall into place".  I cannot agree more with this statement.  For some reason - proof that God/The Universe/Chance/Fate/Karma/Whatever has a sense of humor maybe? -  sometimes we fall in love with people that just aren't right for us.  You can care deeply for a person and still know its not going to work.  I've stayed in relationships much longer than I should have in the past because I didn't listen to this.  I let my emotional investment in a my relationship convince me that the work was worth it.  Now my mentality is much more "Work hard and sacrifice for your relationship when you need to, but don't need to very often".  In the end I don't want to feel like I have to change my relationship, but feel like my relationship is changing my life for the better - simple sentiment, but very hard to practice in real life.

So now that I've procrastinated at work for an hour, and given Jason his appropriate dose of reading material, its back into lab for me :D

The Wedding

Since my last post was kind of leaning toward the debbie-downer side of the emotional spectrum I decided to save this for a different post - my favorite pictures of the Afong Wedding!  Congrats you guys, couldn't be happier for two of my best friends :D

The Tides That Move Us

So I jumped on the band wagon and got a blog - but if you asked me why I could not tell you an exact reason.  Most likely it lies in some combination of the desire to express myself, my overactive mind, and my current emotional state, which is currently residing somewhere between an angry bee swarm and a frozen tundra.  Regardless the fact remains that I have decided to start cataloging my thoughts for others to peruse as they wish, and if people judge me poorly for what I think then they can simply click the back button and forget that I or this blog ever existed - such is the way of the world we live in.

I recently returned to Boston from a trip home to Hawaii.  It seems strange that despite the fact that I have only spent  105 of the past 2900+ days "visiting" I still maintain a very strong connection between the idea of "home" and Hawaii.  Although when you think about it it makes perfect sense - I belong there.

People talk about places and things that you feel a connection to, whether it feels like a sense of peace comes over your soul, or you can feel your blood singing.   There are moments that define who you are to your very core, that shape you and define you in ways nothing else can.  There are intangible currents that draw you towards a place where you feel whole.  For me all of these things reside in a tiny chain of islands 3000 miles away from any thing that could be considered a sizable land mass.

My time at home always becomes a sort of spiritual re-centering, where I feel like I truly know and act like myself again.  It's always the subtle little things.  Seeing 3 generations of 4 families dressed up for halloween and eating outside a Zippy's laughing reminds me that the idea of family extends outside of our genetics and across age gaps.  Swimming through Waikiki chasing a turtle reminds me that my ancestors spent as much time in these oceans as they did on land, and I imagine they felt the same peace of mind and freedom I feel whenever I'm out amongst the waves (or under them).  I look at the mixes of people and the smiles that pass between people who were complete strangers no more than 2 minutes ago and remember that the people here believe in celebrating differences and reaching out to one another rather than living a guarded life.  And perhaps the best of all is spending an entire day with my friends drinking, eating, playing music, and enjoying life, realizing that my bank account shows the exact same number at the end of the day that it did at the start and recognizing that nothing I could have paid for would have produced the same sense of harmony I had experienced.

And please don't assume that I think that Hawaii is flawless - there are many things about it that get under my skin or irk me in some way.  We still have a large number of ignorant people who would rather punch someone when they say something they can't understand than make the effort to educate themselves (and this is coming from a person who believes there are times when physical violence is a suitable response).  The crystal meth and homeless problems plaguing the islands are simultaneously depressing, frustrating, and confusing - parts of you wanting to reach out and help these people and parts of you knowing that many of them bring it upon themselves, and I can only bring myself to sympathize with those who are willing to help themselves first.  Perhaps most frustrating is the fact that people tend to hurdle past "laid back" straight into "lazy" and squander any talent or potential they may have had.  Make no mistake - Hawaii is not flawless.  But it is perfect - at least it is for me.

So maybe that's why I started this blog - my life is confused and strained now, but those emotions are only an effect of a very direct cause.  It seems funny that all these negative things stem from one thing which is generally considered positive - Clarity.  Every time I return home I leave with a strong realization that I need to return to the islands - one day for good.  But then I come back and get lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life in the city and that sense of clarity slowly becomes more and more indistinct, each new errand or task another piece of snow that falls and slowly covers the path until I no longer know where I am supposed to go and I lose all sense of direction until I return to Hawaii again.  So perhaps I am writing to keep the paths clear.  To filter out the unimportant nuances of each day that typically cloud my vision so that I no longer lose this sense of self that seems so critical to being truly content with my life.  I had the following conversation with a friend of mine today:

Me: "I just always worry that I'll be f*cking myself over if I just take the risk and leave"
Wei: "You'd be screwing yourself over if you didn't try."

Its funny how sometimes things you have such a hard time putting your finger on yourself can be so easily captured through the eyes of a friend.  We lie to ourselves and justify our unhappiness (at least many of us do - I see it all the time) in order to maintain the lives we are comfortable with, even if they aren't the ones we truly desire.  And sometimes it takes  a quick 8 word sentence slap in the face to make you realize you're being illogical and dumb.  Is making the move to Hawaii a risk?  Yes - financially it'll be very hard to continue to pay all my bills working one job in Hawaii.  But is that a good enough reason to keep stalling?  If I move, I could end up having to work two jobs and still having to lower my quality of life to make it financially in Hawaii.  And maybe all that extra stress will offset all the pros of moving back.  True - all of these things are a possibility.  But it is a certainty that staying here will slowly and surely make me more and more unhappy.  So here's to chasing what we want, and finding ways to make it happen.

J