The Tides That Move Us

So I jumped on the band wagon and got a blog - but if you asked me why I could not tell you an exact reason.  Most likely it lies in some combination of the desire to express myself, my overactive mind, and my current emotional state, which is currently residing somewhere between an angry bee swarm and a frozen tundra.  Regardless the fact remains that I have decided to start cataloging my thoughts for others to peruse as they wish, and if people judge me poorly for what I think then they can simply click the back button and forget that I or this blog ever existed - such is the way of the world we live in.

I recently returned to Boston from a trip home to Hawaii.  It seems strange that despite the fact that I have only spent  105 of the past 2900+ days "visiting" I still maintain a very strong connection between the idea of "home" and Hawaii.  Although when you think about it it makes perfect sense - I belong there.

People talk about places and things that you feel a connection to, whether it feels like a sense of peace comes over your soul, or you can feel your blood singing.   There are moments that define who you are to your very core, that shape you and define you in ways nothing else can.  There are intangible currents that draw you towards a place where you feel whole.  For me all of these things reside in a tiny chain of islands 3000 miles away from any thing that could be considered a sizable land mass.

My time at home always becomes a sort of spiritual re-centering, where I feel like I truly know and act like myself again.  It's always the subtle little things.  Seeing 3 generations of 4 families dressed up for halloween and eating outside a Zippy's laughing reminds me that the idea of family extends outside of our genetics and across age gaps.  Swimming through Waikiki chasing a turtle reminds me that my ancestors spent as much time in these oceans as they did on land, and I imagine they felt the same peace of mind and freedom I feel whenever I'm out amongst the waves (or under them).  I look at the mixes of people and the smiles that pass between people who were complete strangers no more than 2 minutes ago and remember that the people here believe in celebrating differences and reaching out to one another rather than living a guarded life.  And perhaps the best of all is spending an entire day with my friends drinking, eating, playing music, and enjoying life, realizing that my bank account shows the exact same number at the end of the day that it did at the start and recognizing that nothing I could have paid for would have produced the same sense of harmony I had experienced.

And please don't assume that I think that Hawaii is flawless - there are many things about it that get under my skin or irk me in some way.  We still have a large number of ignorant people who would rather punch someone when they say something they can't understand than make the effort to educate themselves (and this is coming from a person who believes there are times when physical violence is a suitable response).  The crystal meth and homeless problems plaguing the islands are simultaneously depressing, frustrating, and confusing - parts of you wanting to reach out and help these people and parts of you knowing that many of them bring it upon themselves, and I can only bring myself to sympathize with those who are willing to help themselves first.  Perhaps most frustrating is the fact that people tend to hurdle past "laid back" straight into "lazy" and squander any talent or potential they may have had.  Make no mistake - Hawaii is not flawless.  But it is perfect - at least it is for me.

So maybe that's why I started this blog - my life is confused and strained now, but those emotions are only an effect of a very direct cause.  It seems funny that all these negative things stem from one thing which is generally considered positive - Clarity.  Every time I return home I leave with a strong realization that I need to return to the islands - one day for good.  But then I come back and get lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life in the city and that sense of clarity slowly becomes more and more indistinct, each new errand or task another piece of snow that falls and slowly covers the path until I no longer know where I am supposed to go and I lose all sense of direction until I return to Hawaii again.  So perhaps I am writing to keep the paths clear.  To filter out the unimportant nuances of each day that typically cloud my vision so that I no longer lose this sense of self that seems so critical to being truly content with my life.  I had the following conversation with a friend of mine today:

Me: "I just always worry that I'll be f*cking myself over if I just take the risk and leave"
Wei: "You'd be screwing yourself over if you didn't try."

Its funny how sometimes things you have such a hard time putting your finger on yourself can be so easily captured through the eyes of a friend.  We lie to ourselves and justify our unhappiness (at least many of us do - I see it all the time) in order to maintain the lives we are comfortable with, even if they aren't the ones we truly desire.  And sometimes it takes  a quick 8 word sentence slap in the face to make you realize you're being illogical and dumb.  Is making the move to Hawaii a risk?  Yes - financially it'll be very hard to continue to pay all my bills working one job in Hawaii.  But is that a good enough reason to keep stalling?  If I move, I could end up having to work two jobs and still having to lower my quality of life to make it financially in Hawaii.  And maybe all that extra stress will offset all the pros of moving back.  True - all of these things are a possibility.  But it is a certainty that staying here will slowly and surely make me more and more unhappy.  So here's to chasing what we want, and finding ways to make it happen.

J